Wedding Ceremony
Latasha & Andrew
The officiant's script, read by Travis
The Welcome
“Welcome, everyone. Please take your seats.
We are gathered here today to celebrate the marriage of Latasha and Andrew. On their behalf, thank you all for being here to witness the start of their next chapter.
For those who don’t know me, I’m Travis, Latasha’s brother. Growing up, the two of us fought constantly, and I’d love to tell you we grew out of it. But even as adults, we are not allowed to sit near each other in a car, because nobody trusts that we won’t start swinging. We are not allowed to sit beside each other, in front of each other, or behind each other. If you’re doing the math, that leaves diagonal.
So when she asked me to officiate today, I’d like to say I was honored, but mostly, I was just suspicious. Handing your older brother a live microphone in front of a captive audience is a massive security risk.
But don’t worry. For today, I’ve decided to use my powers for good. I’ll save the blackmail material for the next time I need a favor.”
The Opening Remarks
“Latasha and Andrew, looking at the two of you up here, it makes perfect sense why we’re all here today. You’re getting married. If you weren’t here, a bunch of people sitting in your yard would just be weird.
Marriage, though, is a lot of things. It’s a lifelong partnership, a legal contract, and a daily, high-stakes negotiation over what’s for dinner.
You’ll now get to deal with all the absurdity of life as a team. You will spend forty minutes choosing something to watch and fall asleep in ten. You will have a real, raised-voices argument about the correct way to fold a towel or wash dishes. You will own a drawer full of cables that neither of you can identify and neither of you will let the other throw away. And the world outside your front door is louder, stranger, and more exhausting than any of that.
Nobody gets through it alone. But it isn’t enough to find someone who will sit on the couch next to you. You need someone who shares your values. Someone who agrees with you on what actually matters and, just as important, on what is entirely worth ignoring.
Because when everything goes sideways, and it will, you don’t want to waste time explaining yourself. You want to look across the room at the one person who already gets it and know that they are there for you.”
“Now, Latasha and Andrew are private people. They don’t broadcast their problems, so I can’t stand up here and tell you a dozen stories about the two of them. But I can tell you about their first year together at this house.
They moved into a new house. New to them anyway, which is a polite way of saying it came with surprises. The house introduced itself by bursting a pipe. Then Latasha's car, not wanting to be left out, stopped working entirely. And right behind both came the bills, because disasters never show up without an invoice.
That’s a rough first year. It’s the kind of year where you find out exactly who you’re standing next to.
And here is what they found out. Neither of them ran. Neither of them made it the other one’s problem. They both made the same call: stay, and fix it together. They got through the pipe, the car, and everything that came with them, and they came out the other side still on the same team.”
“Latasha and Andrew, that is what you’ve found. You’ve built a two-person team. You protect each other’s peace, respect each other’s independence, and face the rest of the world, present company mostly excluded, as a unified front.”
“But here is the part nobody puts on the invitation. Marriage is not something you choose once. Today is the easy one. You’re dressed up, everyone you love is watching, and there’s cake.
The real choice comes on an ordinary Tuesday, when you’re tired, the sink is full, and someone has put the milk back with exactly one sip left in it. That is when you choose each other again. And then again the day after that. And again the day after that.
A marriage works because two people keep making that choice, every day, especially on the days it would be easier not to. So, Latasha and Andrew, today is choice number one. Let’s make it official.”
The Declaration of Intent
Officiant: “Now for the legally binding portion of the afternoon. Andrew, please take Latasha’s hands. And hold on tight, because you’re about to agree to terms and conditions you can’t scroll past and click ‘Accept’ on. In fact, you have to say them out loud.
Andrew, repeat after me.”
- I, Andrew, take you, Latasha,
- to be my lawfully wedded wife.
- I promise to answer
- ‘what do you want for dinner?’
- with an actual suggestion,
- knowing full well it will be vetoed.
- I accept that ‘I’m fine’
- has never once meant I’m fine.
- I surrender the thermostat,
- most of the closet,
- and my half of the blanket.
- I will never again question
- how many pillows a bed “really” requires.
- And when life gets truly ridiculous,
- I promise to be on your side,
- every single time.
Officiant: “Latasha, your turn. Repeat after me.”
- I, Latasha, take you, Andrew,
- to be my lawfully wedded husband.
- I promise to believe you
- when you say you’re ‘five minutes away,’
- knowing you haven’t even left yet.
- I accept that you heard me the first time,
- you just weren’t listening.
- I will watch you load the dishwasher
- like a raccoon digging through a dumpster,
- and wait until you leave the room to fix it.
- I will let you believe you don’t need the directions,
- the instructions,
- or a doctor,
- even if we are lost in the middle of nowhere,
- and our arms have fallen off.
- And when life gets truly ridiculous,
- I promise to be on your side,
- every single time.
Officiant: “And just for the record, you both understand that statistically speaking, ‘until death do us part’ can be a shockingly long amount of time, and you’re still choosing to do this anyway?”
Andrew & Latasha: “We do.”
Officiant: “Let’s move on to the vows.”
The Vows
Officiant: “Latasha and Andrew have written their own vows, which means that for the next few minutes, I finally get to stop talking. Andrew, Latasha, whenever you’re ready.”
The Rings
Officiant: “May I have the rings, please?”
“A ring is a circle. No beginning and no end, much like the question of what’s for dinner.
Andrew, place the ring on Latasha’s finger and repeat after me.”
- Latasha, I give you this ring
- as a sign of my promise,
- and a reminder of this day.
Officiant: “Latasha, place the ring on Andrew’s finger and repeat after me.”
- Andrew, I give you this ring
- as a sign of my promise,
- and a reminder of this day.
The Pronouncement
Officiant: “Latasha and Andrew, you have declared your intent in front of everyone who matters to you. You have made your promises, the ridiculous ones and the real ones, and you have exchanged rings.
So, by the power vested in me by the State of Indiana, I now pronounce you husband and wife.
Andrew, you may kiss your wife.”
The Presentation
Officiant: “Ladies and gentlemen, for the first time as a married couple, Mr. and Mrs. Ison.”